A Return to Peace of Mind

A couple of weeks after completing a personal goal of running an 8k race, I had a scheduled blood test. Six months earlier my doctor had noted low calcium and my usual iron deficiency. He wanted a re-check down the road before clearing me to resume yearly physicals. Since that time I had been feeling increasingly tired but I had been watching my diet. I believed my lethargy was due to some temporary stress and an elevated workout schedule. I expected the re-check to go well. Not so lucky. I was shocked when told that while my nutrients were now in order, my iron levels dropped even further and reflected a “profound” anemia. I was told to take it easy and scale back any exercise to no more than a weekly walk. I had to dramatically increase iron, B12 and vitamin C intake outside of my diet. Finally, I was to come back in 6 weeks for another test. If things weren’t better I would have to have a blood transfusion. Scary stuff.

I am a healthy person. I’ve never broken a bone. I’ve never been hospitalized. It is rare that I can be chased down by a cold. But in those moments learning that my blood volume and red blood counts were so low that I could have been hospitalized, I felt I had betrayed my body. Not that my body had betrayed me. I wondered if maybe I shouldn’t be a vegan anymore. I thought if being a vegan made me sick then my goal of doing so for health would make no sense.

Confused by much of this, I consulted with my doctor. I had been tired but I had been able to run an 8k without passing out. I felt strong. How could this be? My doctor summarized my body’s ability to sustain itself under such distress by saying, “That’s because you are very strong, but probably not very wise.”

Ding. Ding. Ding!

The recurring thread of my life. Pushing because I am strong but not because I am wise. And I thought I had this figured out.

So for more than six weeks I went within. I completed my job at the levels and requirements that I always had but I shut down in other ways. No social media. No blogging. No more than 30 minutes of news per day. I only did things that allowed me to just “be” with no plan. No major responsibilities. No worries.

What did that look like?

Writing: In the house. In the backyard. At the coffee shop. Just writing.

Gardening: I planted everything from seed and marveled each day at how they grew.

Reading: I put a stack of unread magazines and books next to the bed and began checking them off one at a time.

Driving: I went for long drives with no destination in mind and then turned around and came back.

Window shopping: I walked through home improvement, sporting goods and electronic stores. Anything that looked interesting. No money needed.

Watching TV: I worked my way through the DVR. I never realized I had 24 unwatched episodes of Oprah on there.

Sleeping: Napping whenever you want to is the best thing ever. I went to Bed and Bath, brought myself a super soothing blanket and daily I curled up under it. I slept so deeply that one time I woke up and not only did I not know where I was, I didn’t know who I was.

During my doctor imposed “pause,” I moved things and emotions of others out of the way just far enough to see how right this life is for me. Understanding with love, that there is a big difference between caring about a loved ones dilemma and taking it on as if it is your own. Disconnecting from that and reconnecting with myself is what my mom used to describe as finding a place of “crystalline consciousness.” Most would just call it peace of mind.

And so when I went in for my follow up blood work everything was back to normal in more ways then one. I was given the green light to exercise again. That is a good thing because I gained about 15 pounds by not exercising and eating potato chips. My commitment to veganism is still strong. Not eating meat was not the thing that dropped my iron count. It was not getting enough B12 and Vitamin C, which were vital to allowing my vegan body to metabolize the required iron I was getting anyway. Equally important to me, is that the vital mind, body and spirit connection has returned home. My peace of mind. I see my life once again for what it is. Free. Simplistic. Uncomplicated. And that makes me strong—and wise.

Special Note: Thank you to the folks joining me on twitter @spencerhope , Observations from the Road Less Traveled Facebook readers, blog subscribers and dedicated Kindle subscribers for being here when I signed back on again. I appreciate all of your support!

Tags: escaping, letting go, relaxation, The Vegan Diaries